An update

July 19, 2009

 It has been almost exactly 9 months since we lost the Katmai and 7 of her crew.  It seems unbelievable that so much has happened since then.  Also hard to believe is the amount of healing that has occurred for me.  I was thinking the other day that it took 9 months for Carlos to be born, changing so many lives forever.  His smile, his sense of humor and his caring are sorely missed.  There have been so many times that I could not speak his name or even think about him without crying.  But lately those tears have started to be replaced by laughter again.  I have always known that this is what he would have wanted, and I struggled to try to make the transition sooner.  But somehow, I just wasn’t strong enough, or smart enough, or trusting enough to do so.  I feel that now I am starting to live again.  It ain’t fun sometimes, and it sure isn’t easy.  I’m trying, though. 

If you had told me back in October that I would feel this way I would have (and probably did) call you an unfeeling monster.  I could not understand how the world could move forward without my son in it.  I struggled to get up every day and go to work.  Some days I just couldn’t do it.  Gradually I have come to a new place in my life.  Someone told me recently that I have changed since October.  Yes, I have.  I will never be the same.  I can only hope that the 9 months I have spent getting to this place, this acceptance, will bring some sort of positive change to other lives.  It is, in a real way, a new life just as Carlos’ birth was a new life for him. 

I still wonder, I still worry and I still wait.  I hope for and dread the call saying they have found his remains.  One of the Alaska State Troopers told me that I obviously did not have any idea how large the area Carlos is lost in actually is.  I replied that he had no idea how large the space in my heart for my son actually is.  I hope to recover him someday, and that hope will never die.  I am grateful to have the Memorial site in Seattle with his name listed with the others lost at sea.  But I think you can all understand that while I was there, and plan to return, I do not actually FEEL him there.  I know he is at home in the Bering Sea.  That is where I hope to visit soon, to say some things that I want to say to Carlos just one more time. 

I am posting some photos of the Memorial in Seattle.  I hope if you find yourselves there, you will take the time to remember all of our lost seamen.  The website for the Memorial is:  www.seattlefishermensmemorial.org.  There is an annual ceremony in May at the pier for families to attend.  The service of remembrance is a wonderful experience.  I hope to see some of you there in the future.  I am hopeful that by next May, we will be dedicating a memorial tile for Carlos.

We are continuing to raise funds for the Katmai Memorial Fund.  I appreciate your donations, but I especially appreciate the words you have chosen to share about your loved ones.  I hope to have some of the thoughts posted soon on our site.

Thank you for everything. 
God bless us all.
Susan