It has been almost exactly 9 months since we lost the Katmai and 7 of her crew.  It seems unbelievable that so much has happened since then.  Also hard to believe is the amount of healing that has occurred for me.  I was thinking the other day that it took 9 months for Carlos to be born, changing so many lives forever.  His smile, his sense of humor and his caring are sorely missed.  There have been so many times that I could not speak his name or even think about him without crying.  But lately those tears have started to be replaced by laughter again.  I have always known that this is what he would have wanted, and I struggled to try to make the transition sooner.  But somehow, I just wasn’t strong enough, or smart enough, or trusting enough to do so.  I feel that now I am starting to live again.  It ain’t fun sometimes, and it sure isn’t easy.  I’m trying, though. 

If you had told me back in October that I would feel this way I would have (and probably did) call you an unfeeling monster.  I could not understand how the world could move forward without my son in it.  I struggled to get up every day and go to work.  Some days I just couldn’t do it.  Gradually I have come to a new place in my life.  Someone told me recently that I have changed since October.  Yes, I have.  I will never be the same.  I can only hope that the 9 months I have spent getting to this place, this acceptance, will bring some sort of positive change to other lives.  It is, in a real way, a new life just as Carlos’ birth was a new life for him. 

I still wonder, I still worry and I still wait.  I hope for and dread the call saying they have found his remains.  One of the Alaska State Troopers told me that I obviously did not have any idea how large the area Carlos is lost in actually is.  I replied that he had no idea how large the space in my heart for my son actually is.  I hope to recover him someday, and that hope will never die.  I am grateful to have the Memorial site in Seattle with his name listed with the others lost at sea.  But I think you can all understand that while I was there, and plan to return, I do not actually FEEL him there.  I know he is at home in the Bering Sea.  That is where I hope to visit soon, to say some things that I want to say to Carlos just one more time. 

I am posting some photos of the Memorial in Seattle.  I hope if you find yourselves there, you will take the time to remember all of our lost seamen.  The website for the Memorial is:  www.seattlefishermensmemorial.org.  There is an annual ceremony in May at the pier for families to attend.  The service of remembrance is a wonderful experience.  I hope to see some of you there in the future.  I am hopeful that by next May, we will be dedicating a memorial tile for Carlos.

We are continuing to raise funds for the Katmai Memorial Fund.  I appreciate your donations, but I especially appreciate the words you have chosen to share about your loved ones.  I hope to have some of the thoughts posted soon on our site.

Thank you for everything. 
God bless us all.
Susan

Even a penny or two would be greatly appreciated.

Donations can be sent to

The Katmai Memorial Fund

PO Box 9787

Helena, MT 59604.

info@thekatmaimemorialfund.org

The Katmai Memorial Fund has been set up to help the families of fisherman who are lost at sea. Each year fisherman perish at sea. Along with the pain of losing their fathers, sons, husbands, brothers, and loved ones, their families are suddenly financially insecure. This fund is source they can turn to as they get back on their feet financially since often they have nowhere else to turn.

Thank you,

Captain Joe Blake

Katmai